Steamy Streamings: Think for yourself

Part 1: Introduction to nothing and everything including sex-positive sexperts, thinking for yourself, and being being

Nearly a month left before I experience the "big stretch" for the first time. I feel the movements of the wee body with a soul inside of me fluttering and kicking and dancing like a mermaid octopus. Sometimes in the ribs, sometimes nudging my cervix.

I've come to be a masochist, a willing masochist.

Although, I did just look up the definition and it says that pleasure depends on suffering, but I would not say that it is imperative to be suffering or enduring some form of pain in order for me to rejoice or to get excited and juiced up.

"Sex is good for thinking and thinking is brilliant for sex." That said on the back of a book I just read by sexpert Susie Bright called Mommy's Little Girl.

Its easy to blame the other, I realize, but your mother nor your father have no more to do with your capacity to experience pleasure or pain than does your current/past lover(S).

It's all about what is in the mind. Your mind. Think for yourself. You will see results in a minimal amount of days if you take seriously what I just told you to do. Yes, you too can lose 30 pounds in 10 days! You too can reverse the cancer coursing theoretically throughout your body without the help of any external orals.

You too can experience orgasm with yourself, by yourself, for yourself. Whether or not your penetrating or being penetrated.

Penetration. Interesting word. Penistrate. Ha ha.

I am in sexual healing. I am separating what I have learned from what I am. I am separating ideas of wrong and right from who I am and who you are to see the truth as is.

Being being. I like that, a neat be-er of being told me this.

Sex seems like a forbidden and taboo subject to talk about. I talked about orgasmic birth at a brunch and my mom said my name shamefully as in "stop talking about sex and enjoying the feeling of it! That is an uncomfortable ideal that many are not able to reach and so it makes others, like me, uncomfortable."

I feel daring to write such a statement down, but I feel there is considerable truth in the words behind the words I've just suggested, i can imagine my mother's chagrin-expressed face a little bit...but I don't mind. The truth hurts. That's why I love it now, and am a masochist for it.

Yes, the truth is brutal. But, brutally good. Kind of like...putting a fist inside? :o did I just say that?!? Well we all have our dark thoughts, don't we? I am just putting my down in a form readable not only by me but also by you and I just read about a sex actress who had a sex actor give her her final rumbling intense orgasm by inserting his entire hand inside of her and series of cataclysmic climax from within her beautifully contracting muscle walls happened next.

So, you know, at first, the idea of a fist in your vagina, for you females, or in your anus, or mouth, for you males who have no vaginas, sounds a bit unpleasant, but there is a zing of pleasure involved, quite a few zings actually, an electric pulse kind of like being surprise electrocuted by a fence keeping in the cows or horses, accept without the immediately following contraction (unless there is one) and the lack of desire to experience.

Yes, the sourness of stretching tight tissue is involved, and some might cringe at first, some might grit teeth down hard and close eyes, but breathing refills the lungs again and again and slowly the sourness turns to sweetness and sweetness back to sourness and sourness to sweetness. And then, perhaps one realizes the sweet and sour go so so so goooood together. Perhaps, masochists got a great revelational understanding going on about the wholesomeness of pleasure and pain united.

About sex. About life.

Some take it extreme though, maybe? Maybe not. TO each man or woman his/er own.

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Part two: a light side and a dark side to love
So, I feel gratified, liberated for writing what I am writing, and I know there may be some stretched out faces out there. As stretched out as the image of stretched out vagina or anus lips.

This is okay. Feeling something new, I encourage you to congratulate yourself! Take it a step further, thinking is not a crime. Feeling is not necessarily a crime to be persecuted for either.

Ever heard of perineal stretching? Well you might if you have had a baby or been the daddy of a baby who was intimately caring towards the mother of the baby. I think this is all that is with or without actions that back up. Each of us cares for eachother in whatever way, whether it be beating up on, cheating up on, fucking, making love, talking behind back, biting, the list goes on.

Love knows no limits. Love has no boundaries.

There are ideal forms of love, and then there are illusory forms of love, and then there are distorted versions of love that are still love, like the beating and cheating...all is one and all is love.

Some how, some way. Evil spelled backwards is Live. LIVE! or not to live that is the question. Are you alive right now? Do you feel alive? Like light bursting inside you and flowing from you out onto the surface of your skin to tantalize all the eyes that see you. I am not talking about material covers that can seem glammy and glitzy, I am talkin the stuff inside.

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Part three: The essence of Perineal stretching.

Insert 1 finger, then 2 fingers, than 3 fingers, keep in mind, doing this over time slowly, then 4 fingers, then 5 fingers, then a 6th finger, yes. Oooh, ahhh, inhale, exhale. Feel the elastic streeetch. Feel it, pliant, feel it stretchy stretch.

Don't forget a lubricant, like grapeseed oil or olive oil or maybe a specialty lubricant for specialness if you know what I mean.

The point of such a massage is not primarily for pleasure, actually for preparing the birth canal, to prevent rippage when the head of a being is passing through. The perineum I believe is the first inch and a half inside the feminine lotus blossum and it is the most prone to tearing. In fact I heard that rippage can cause the clitorialis magnolius to rip in half! That sounds pretty brutal, perhaps more brutally truthful than I am interested, or you are interested in experiencing. But...but...perhaps one day. I don't know, I'll see. FOr now though, I think I will do my best to keep everything in tact and in one piece and perineal stretching can help prepare for that.

Perineal stretching can also be a kinder, calmer, soothing way to insert a fist, just for those who are interested in that feeling.

FOr me, I felt like a flower that had bloomed, specifically a morning glory type flower that opened up fully for the first time. You know how they pucker up, small and unopen, and then when they do open, the petals have revealed the wide opening that was not at all opened pre-bloomage? Well that is what i am talking about, it felt beautiful. It feels beautiful. ANd the sourness, it helped me get in conection, body consciousness, imagining what it will be like as the baby actually is passing through me rather than 6 fingers.

So yesterday was the first day of experiencing this stretch.
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Part four: the positive aspect of talking too much and the power of thinking for oneself
It entertains me how much I can write. I envision talking with sparse words and writing with sparse words, but I also seem to just have stream of consciousness orgasmo when I start writing and talking sometimes

I heard that can be a symptom of inner deficiency of some sort. Talking so much, there must be a lot of hectic chaos going on in mind, body and soul.

But perhaps being able to talk for so long about anything in depth is a sign that one is thinking for oneself!

I realized that the other day about a friend who likes to talk, yeah, sometimes it can be drawling and long winded, listening to someone go on and on, but a positive aspect of that is that he is using the brain and mind he has graciously been given. THat's the first step towards being content 100% of the time.

I've come to realize the thoughts I generate in response to every situation and every experience, every interaction, and every thing else, are what design, build and create the life and world I live in, that is what sets us all apart then, our thoughts. Some have similar thoughts, thus, similar worlds, perhaps even if our thoughts are so well coordinated, so well harmonious with one another, that is evidence enough to say we are from the same world, the same world beyond this touchy-feely-physical world we live in, are the spiritual thought ether worlds.

Basically we all do share the same spiritual thought ether world, but then there are the sub worlds we each create for ourself.

Heaven and Hell are inside.

Gnashing teeth is something that occurs in your mouth, no? Moaning and screaming in pain or delight, that originates in your throat, no?

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Part Five: Admitting, Recognizing that everything, EVERY thing is inside is the first step

,and, I am still taking that first step. AA traditions have aspects I respect, yes, revere and see the truth furiously burning hot in. Furiously as in passionately, obviously there.

Yesterday someone suggested I might have been a sick and twisted child. I at first felt attacked, offended, hurt. Perhaps, further, that idea of being sick and twisted completely challenged my own established ideas of identity and because it didn't come close to some rigid idea of who I might think I am or have been, I reacted.

I read a bit ago that emotions are not energy we can control, emotions are an automatic response, whether laughing or yelling for example, to thought forms, patterns, concepts and idea(l)s a person has.

So, its not the emotions that need be treated and focused on, those will come as sure as rain does on a day where clouds pass by pregnant with water too heavy to bear or as sure as the sun comes up in the morning or the stars come out on a clear night with out too much invasive other-light.

Its the thoughts that are behind the thoughts. In this case, the thoughts that are behind, underneath, the emotions. The thoughts being the foundation of everything, ideas of wrong and right, guilty or liberating memories that hold one back or propel one further, and emotions, how we respond, react or express, even what we argue or agree about, the thoughts back all that up.

Thoughts are inside. And there are a lot of beings that have thoughts. You can say a lizard being has a thought because they act, they react, they express, defend, attack just like any human being can. SO, I don't believe so much that animals other than human animals are lesser in intelligence.

There are human beings who have done "evil" acts, thus, they have had "evil" thoughts. I am coming to believe and recognize that the sick and twisted does in fact have a place inside me. Especially, believing inside me is God, in other words, inside me is the universe and everything God is, that evil also is included.

So, I can say, I am evil. Or, evil exists within me. Does the fact I have evil give need for me to forfeit my life? No.

Perhaps some really fight and struggle with the idea the they are not evil. Perhaps believeing one has no evil, and then seeing it in some secret way expressed, freaks them out! Makes them feel bad! Because they keep denying they are evil so when they see evil winking back at them in the mirror, or in their mind or voice, or the striking of their hand, they freak out, because they don't realize to themselves, "yes, I have darkness inside me" but instead, they might think, "no no no!!!! noooooo! I'm not evil! I can't be! But, yes, wait, i'm a bad person? Yes! I'm a bad person and I don't deserve to live!" And maybe they start to hate and further ignore themselves and forget that yes, there is evil, but there is also good. There is EVERYTHING.

I am not one thing or another.

You are not one thing or another.

How liberating is that? TO really think, hey, wait a second, I am every thing!

Well, it is a new and somewhat uncomfortable transition I can admit, recognizing that yes I carry the powers of evil right very inside me.

But I am starting to look at evil differently. What does evil do? In the world? In my head? To my body? What affect does evil have on the world? What is so wrong and bad about evil and so good about goodness? WIthout evil, could good exist or do they compliment eachother in a way that cannot be understood with simple human-who-watches-tv-and-goes-to-work-and-eats-shits-fucks-sleeps-repeats comprehension?

What I meant by the last part, the specified mindset/comprehension/level of understanding, is that with that kind of thinking, I can understand that evil is transfixed in a limited understanding point of view leaving many suffering for want of embracing the whole of truth, the whole of life, the whole of living.

I don't believe anyone human is unable to comprehend beyond the eat-shit-fuck-sleep-etc comprehension. In fact, I have had that comprehension many a times, but now I am inviting, creating, adopting other mindsets, several mindsets, in other words, awakening to awareness in all forms. To see.

To see.
To see.

With my soul.

I dont necessarily mind the idea of going physically blind. Except, I like cooking without cutting my finger off while chopping carrots. ANd I like looking at the mountains and the different expressions on peoples faces.

So evil. Live. Liveevil.

Evilive. Livevil.

Lovevolve.

I am a chicklet that is hatching. Pecking at the eggshell to feel the fullness of that which is.

I am still formulating. Understanding, in always, for eternity.

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Part Six: Story telling time!

"I have no sight but I can see,
the you that is inside me,
I have no sight but I can see,
the light and dark,
fear and love,
good and evil that forms eternity."

Singing with blood streaming down his eyes, no longer useable, Eggbert had poked wounds into each one. The stinging had slowly merged into a warm pulsing, the same feelings inside himself.

"Everything is lace,
Web of life,
Interconnected,
All is one and one is all."

He started convulsing as he walked, and sea water mixed with the red water as he inhaled, exhaled, a hyperventilative breath song to the air, to the universe. Waves of joy, waves of pain, fear and strength immersing him, drowning him to life.

A purply hill in the falling sun, he walked on. At first, with a slump and a limp, but now with centeredness. Looking up, a rainbow nearly slapped him in the face, a arch of light he saw, just before falling into a pond filled with man sized koi fish with human eyes and benevolent huckster smiles and little girl giggles floating out of their mouth like the bubbles escaping their lips while Eggbert sank, sank sank lips twitching and murmering softly, "...imagination...!"

Eyes wide open, the poked holes in his eyes filled up with the water and the walls of open wound seemed themselves together, his pupils once more wholly circle. This pond full of koi became narrower and narrower as he sank, sank, sank deeper. Looking up, he could see still the giant rainbow, a koifish itself he realized, staying very still and with nearly invisible eyes gills scales and mouth the koi fish winked at him and eggbert realized he could breath just fine underwater and the water stroked his oval body like fingers, and then he realized more fish fins than water were touching him and he was jam packed with them in this tunnel like a can of strawberries in jelly. There was no pressure though, and he sank past the fish like satin scarves hanging to dry in the wind.

He finally found his way, found his way to the ground where pink and red auras of light pulsed quietly, he thought, no he did hear a rhythym like a drum pounding without rest.

Not fitfully, but not weakly either. Just right.

And there! There he saw it! A glowing orb, singing in a sonorous voice, singing for herself. Singing, singing for herself, not for anyone else. And he had never heard someone sing so beautifully. Lavendar and cream fuschia tears trickled down her big doll like eyes, big lively doll like eyes. ANd then they seemed to harden and freeze into sharp edged shapes as they feel, slowly cartwheeling from her round circle bodied self to the ground. And the tears burrowed into the ground and as they did, streams of light like comet tails seemed to shoot in specific directions into and throughout the warm, soft area all around.

"Ooh, I am am you and you are me,
Could it be any plainer to see?
Me and you together, shall not make three,
but shall contribute to the oness of eternity!"

The singing pearl looked up with a gasp of relish and achingly pleasant surprise tingling inside her chest like a fast swirling dna strand harping all sorts of musical notes. And at eye contacts touch, Eggbert swelled, he seemed to crack open at the head, and he realized it was his mouth, and the singing pearl opened her arms to him and eggbert, sprouted a tail like a tadpole and he swam to her and she opened her heart valve to him like a curtain made of bridal veils opening and they met and become unified and the koi fish rainbow immediately made its way there intime to cause a surge of rainbow waves fluttering and swirling and twirling and moans and hums began to play with the sound of the drum, and slowly the koi fish egg bert and pearl all dreamed up stars and planets, feelings, and memories, and new stories to tell and new pictures to paint.

Now, to wait.

Because, its okay to wait sometimes before something great happens.

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Give me a piece of your mind if you dare,

Love Amanda